put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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