The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
