when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize