I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
