Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize