my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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