I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize