It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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