What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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