I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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