Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
