i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
