You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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