i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
