Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize