Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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