Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
