i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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