honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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