plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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