her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
