my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
