the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
