my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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