He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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