god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
