Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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