I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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