You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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