the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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