I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
