i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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