I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
