I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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