Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
