One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
