So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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