Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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