I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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