seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
