oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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