420 ftw
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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