when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
