Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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