im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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