So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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