I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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