You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
