i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
