I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
