I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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