i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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