i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
