I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
