the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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