I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
