I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
