Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
