pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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