i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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