nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
